five star records

Alright! The end of another demon year from Hell!

Just kidding, folks. I like the holiday season. Time was before global warming we'd be covered in snow by now here in Michigan. There were snowmen in every front yard where kids lived and BB guns and sleds were the big gifts that we all looked forward to come Christmas time, not Play Stations and X-Boxes. Shit, speaking of boxes, we had more fun with the one the new refrigerator came in than I've ever had playing video games. But I digress...

Back then we had a hill next to the house that seemed to slope forever, the ride down filled with thrills as we narrowly avoided several tall maples at the bottom, steering and leaning hard, our heads right up front, the skulls like tender eggs waiting to be cracked. Of course, that same hill when seen with adult perspective is a gentle four foot drop that covers maybe thirty feet in distance, but we rode it down and trudged back up it, our sleds in tow, as though we were luge champions in the Winter Olympics.

Ah, those were the days.

So in celebration I'm sharing one of the rare gems in my collection, a novelty 45 by Mexican funnyman Jose Gonzalez-Gonzalez. 'Pancho Claus' is actually the B-side of this single, but it's a scene stealer, with Jose reciting a Mexicanized version of 'Twas The Night Before Christmas' in a thick accent, not unlike the one that Freddie Prinze used to put on for his stand-up act. Instead of Santa, though, Jose had Santa's brother, Pancho from 'south of the border', who drove a team of donkeys and wore a sombrero. And there were definitely creatures stirring at the Gonzalez-Gonzalez household on Christmas Eve, most notably his 'Oncle Pedro' who was 'drunk as a louse', playing guitar and singing 'Guadalajara'. Ha ha.

Jose's version starts out with 'Twas thee night before Chreesmas and all through thee casa, Mama che was busy preparing thee masa, to make thee tamales for thee Tamalada, and all thee ingredients for thee enchiladas...' Actually, if I had my druthers, I'd just as soon eat Mexican food at Christmas myself. Sounds damn good to me.On the flip side, we have the infamous 'Tacos For Two', a send-up of the famous 'Cocktails For Two' (words and music by Arthur Johnston and Sam Coslow) originally butchered by the great Spike Jones way back in 1944, complete with sound effects. Written a decade earlier for a movie soundtrack, the tune didn't make much of a splash until Spike's notorious version of it hit the pop charts, and it's been largely known as a novelty song ever since.

Jose gives it the same treatment as 'Pancho Claus', with tacos instead of cocktails allowing for lyrics that describe 'those darn tortillas' as being 'hard' and 'dripping so much lard'. He and his date are heated up by 'hot sauce' and reach for the water in pain, only to find at the end of it all that poor Jose has 'no dinero' to pay the bill and winds up going to jail. Sounds like my luck.

Hmm... even with hard tortillas and too much lard tacos are sounding pretty good to me right now. Maybe I will eat Mexican for Christmas dinner. Or maybe I'll just head over to Senior Lopez and have it for lunch today... a little Tecate with lime in a salted glass, some chips and salsa, and of course the tacos...Oh and how could I forget that cute waitress with the big brown eyes and the amazing ass and legs packed into those tight, tight jeans who runs around like a chicken with her head cut off asking everybody repeatedly: “Ev'rythin' hokay? Hm? Hokay?”

God I want that girl. Listen Santa, how about wrapping her up in something nice and snug for me, eh? Have your brother Pancho bring her by for some tequila shots. I'm buying!

Hey, all this Mexican talk reminds me of a joke: What do they call Mexican food in Mexico? Give up? They call it 'food'!